Train of Thoughts 

Thoughts in my head swirl about like a leaf twirling in the wind

As it falls from its tree, its home. 

The most prominent thought is you, 

It always is, 

And then the train of thoughts linked to you, 

Which doesn’t seem to want to slow down. 

It takes me to happy places, 

But all the same, it takes me to dark ones too. 

I have such love for you and all the things you do for me, 

Yet he is present in my mind too, 

And he always will be. 

Unfortunately, it’s a constant battle

One which cannot be won

Neither by logic nor emotion

And I wish so many things in my head

But I cannot bring him back from the dead. 

You are here now, and that I should be thankful for. 

My mind, however, asks me what it could’ve been

Despite the fact that I’ll never know

And I can’t find closure with him 

Not from outside sources nor from within. 

Death changes a person. 

I can go over the last time I talked to him in my head

And point out everything I did wrong

And I never cease to blame myself for the death itself. 

I can have a perfect day completely wrecked

By a wave of grief seeming to come from nowhere

And I can’t even speak to you about it

Because I feel so guilty that I “moved on” so quickly

When the reality is that it eats away at me daily. 

But how does one tell someone they love, 

That they are missing someone they once loved?

Especially when both loves are of the romantic kind?

I suppose I will just stuff it back down

Until it comes popping back up

In the form of tears running wildly down my face

While you ask what’s wrong and I deny that anything is. 

I love you, but I love him too,

Though I do admit to wondering whether he truly loved me, 

And I never wonder with you. 

It’s strange how different my relationship with you is from how it was with him, 

In ways that I attempt not to judge as good or bad. 

I find what peace I can in his passing, 

And that dulls the aching. 

And at last, the train of thoughts slows

Enough for me to relax once more. 

The spinning leaf has reached its destination, 

At least for now, 

Until the wind picks it up again and travels with my thoughts. 

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