Thoughts in my head swirl about like a leaf twirling in the wind
As it falls from its tree, its home.
The most prominent thought is you,
It always is,
And then the train of thoughts linked to you,
Which doesn’t seem to want to slow down.
It takes me to happy places,
But all the same, it takes me to dark ones too.
I have such love for you and all the things you do for me,
Yet he is present in my mind too,
And he always will be.
Unfortunately, it’s a constant battle
One which cannot be won
Neither by logic nor emotion
And I wish so many things in my head
But I cannot bring him back from the dead.
You are here now, and that I should be thankful for.
My mind, however, asks me what it could’ve been
Despite the fact that I’ll never know
And I can’t find closure with him
Not from outside sources nor from within.
Death changes a person.
I can go over the last time I talked to him in my head
And point out everything I did wrong
And I never cease to blame myself for the death itself.
I can have a perfect day completely wrecked
By a wave of grief seeming to come from nowhere
And I can’t even speak to you about it
Because I feel so guilty that I “moved on” so quickly
When the reality is that it eats away at me daily.
But how does one tell someone they love,
That they are missing someone they once loved?
Especially when both loves are of the romantic kind?
I suppose I will just stuff it back down
Until it comes popping back up
In the form of tears running wildly down my face
While you ask what’s wrong and I deny that anything is.
I love you, but I love him too,
Though I do admit to wondering whether he truly loved me,
And I never wonder with you.
It’s strange how different my relationship with you is from how it was with him,
In ways that I attempt not to judge as good or bad.
I find what peace I can in his passing,
And that dulls the aching.
And at last, the train of thoughts slows
Enough for me to relax once more.
The spinning leaf has reached its destination,
At least for now,
Until the wind picks it up again and travels with my thoughts.